4th Grade Narrative (Score 3/4)

지난주엔 CST라이팅 내러티브에서 4점 만점을 받은 학생의 글을 소개했습니다. 이번 주에 그보다 한 단계 낮은 3점을 받은 4학년 학생의 글을 소개하고 이에 대한 평가를 해보도록 하겠습니다.

CST 작문의 예 평가

    I would want to be with a rock star for one day because he had a concert that night. He also asked if I wanted to be in it. I was shy, but I said sure. The rock star told me that the show started at 4:00 to 8:00 at night. I couldn’t wait! It was already 3:30 and the rock star handed me a costume that I liked alot!
    It was now 4:00, and I was so exicted to hear all the people yelling. Then they were screaming and now I was very nervous once I got my costume on! “Five more minutes,” I have said to myself. I was even more nervous. It finally started. I was singing and dancing almost the whole time. Everyone was screaming expiecally the front row! I started getting very nervous again! We did 10 songs until eight, but we only did nine already. I felt like I had just run ten miles when we were finished. “It was really fun!” I said to the rock star with a calm look on his face.
    The day was almost up and we went out to dinner and had a chocolate milk shake and a burger from carrows. It was really yummy. We waited for my mom by talking alot about the concert. When my mom came, which was at 9:45, I told the rock star, “Thanks alot for letting me be in your concert.” I waved him good-bye and went back home, put my pajamas on and went to bed. I was dreaming about what I did with the rock star.
    The next day the rock star came over and said “Thank you for being in my concert it was a mavoles. I can’t wait to do it again with you.” Then he said good-bye. While he was leaving he said “I’ll mail you sometime or someday!” I also said “Good-bye!!”

이 글 역시 주제인 ‘상상속의 하루’에 대해 충실하게 잘 적은 글입니다. 이 글의 내용은 한 록스타에게서 자신의 공연에 초대받은 이야기입니다. 이 글 역시 적절한 감정표현과 대화체를 통해 사건을 설명하려 들지 않고 자연스럽게 보여주고 있다는 것이 가장 큰 장점입니다.
이 글에서 조금 부족한 점은 묘사에 있습니다. 중요한 록 콘서트임에도 불구하고 록 콘서트 현장이 어땠는지에 대한 묘사가 너무 없습니다. 같은 맥락에서 역시 그렇게 유명한 록스타의 인물 묘사도 너무 없습니다. 유명인의 이름이 없기 때문에 이에 대한 외부 묘사라도 있어야 읽는 이들에게 도움이 됩니다.
이 글에서도 철자와 문법상의 실수가 보입니다. 틀린 철자는 alot, exicted, expiecally인데 이는 a lot, excited, especially로 고쳐야 합니다. 또 동사 시제(“I would want to be with a rock star for one day because he had a concert that night.”)도 바르지 않은데 여기서 had는 will have로 바꿔야 합니다.